When I was younger I always thought being 30 was really grown up, even when I was dancing on tables and going from job to job I thought it would be all different in my 30’s. I naively believed that on my 30th birthday I would magically transform into this confident successful woman who would know who she was and knew what she wanted to be. I would have a career, I would know who my friends were. I would not care what other people thought of me and I would have a strong self esteem.
Well I am now in my mid thirties and for some reason that magical spell did not happen. I am more confused than I have ever been. Since having my girls my confidence levels have plummeted, I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up ( could someone please define what age grown up is?) and, quite frankly, I am more conscious of what people think about me more than ever.
Some people talk about how they completely found themselves when they had Children but, not for me, and I know it is such a cliche but I completely lost myself. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t feel as lost as I did when I first had Meme. I honestly felt like I was in a fog like existence in the first year, but I don’t think I have ever truly found myself. I feel so new age Mum writing this but it’s true.
I feel I should clarify that I am really happy, I have a lovely husband and 2 beautiful girls, I have a gorgeous home and a supportive family. I am not timid, if a friend is having trouble with someone I am there fighting her corner, or if my Meme is having trouble in school I am right in that classroom demanding answers, but, when it comes to me, I seem to really struggle.
Why is this? How do I fix this? I honestly do need to work on my confidence as it is holding me back so much but I don’t know where to start. I am not a 16 year old kid, I am a 34 year old Mum of two. I should have this covered by now. I am not sure what happens next but I know acknowledging it can only help. Small steps.