Suffering from a miscarriage

Suffering from a miscarriage

This post maybe sensitive.

I previously wrote a post titled what is next? A few months ago, once I had finished it, I turned to my husband and answered my own question. I knew what was next, I wanted another baby and all those niggling doubts I had seemed insignificant. Little did we know I was already pregnant.

My pregnancy was so different to my other ones.

Although I felt nauseous at times and tired, the early weeks of my pregnancy seemed to run smoothly. I had my Dr’s appointment and my 12 week scan was booked. We were excited but then at 10 weeks it ended, it was gone. I went for an emergency scan but I didn’t need to.I knew something was wrong before the scan confirmed it, something just didn’t feel right.

I had suffered a miscarriage.

I was heartbroken, we both were. I struggled to understand how this could happen, naively and maybe even arrogantly I never thought a miscarriage would happen to me. After two healthy pregnancies the possibility of a miscarriage never even entered my head. I actually didn’t realise how common having a miscarriage is. It wasn’t until it happened to me that so many friends have admitted it has happened to them. I sometimes would like to know why it happened, was it something that I had done? Did I push myself too far? Could it have been prevented? I don’t know. I will never know.

I didn’t realise the effect a miscarriage would have not only my mind but my body.

I was so weak and ill for a while afterwards. Physically it was the worst I had ever felt and mentally, well, I am not sure if I am still fully better. I have days when I feel a sense of overwhelming sadness and then other days I feel fine. It was certainly the darkest period of my life. Sometimes I feel silly for mourning something I never had as such. I never gave birth or held the baby in my arms, I didn’t even feel my baby inside of me, moving and growing.

However, I also know that I am actually mourning the loss of a dream. When I saw that pregnancy result on the test my imagination ran away with me.  I imagined the look on my girls faces when I told them they would be big sisters.  Imagining the summer we would all have together playing in our garden welcoming our new addition. My baby in my arms taking in the perfect smell that only a newborn has. Now, no longer a possibility, just a dream.

I know many women go on to have healthy pregnancies after a miscarriage.I am not sure if this is for me. Maybe it is too soon, is still too raw, my heart still hurts (will it always feel like this?). At the moment I am not sure I could put myself or my family through it again – I’m just too scared.

So for now, I am going to let myself heal and be grateful for what I have, my two lovely girls.



20 thoughts on “Suffering from a miscarriage

  1. I am so sorry for your miscarriage hun, unexpected after two pregnancies its normal to feel the way you do and good you letting yourself heal emotionally and physically. It is common in my family all of us females moms, aunts, grandmas, female cousins have all had two or three children and miscarriages in between and after those children. I never knew how common it was either. Our bodies are mysteries and its nothing that we do to cause this to happen. I am so sorry for your pain though at this tough time. Thanks for sharing your story on #ShareWithMe

  2. I think you are very brave to write this post and I find it very comforting after suffering the same. Be kind to yourself and time helps. You are an amazing mummy and your girls are beautiful. It is good you have your husband for support and there is always a big gang od mummies here in the Twitterverse that are always around with a comforting word if you need an ear xx #Bloggerclubuk

  3. I’m sorry to read about your miscarriage and I hope that writing the post has helped a little. You shouldn’t feel silly for mourning. You have every right to grieve for what could have been. You sound like you are doing the right thing by giving yourself time to come to terms with it and by focussing on your family. Big hugs xxx

  4. Oh my lovely I am so sorry. It is definitely not silly to mourn, you are not only mourning something that was physically very much there, but like you say you are mourning the loss of dreams. Sending you all my love and be kind to yourself.x

  5. I had a healthy pregnancy followed by two miscarriages and then a healthy pregnancy. Although you don’t feel them or hold them the lost babies are still your babies, so it’s only natural to feel the way you do. I know it’s a cliché but time does help x #sundaystars

  6. Oh honey I am sorry you have had to go through this. I suffered several miscarriages after having a healthy pregnancy and they leave you confused and questioning everything. So I know exactly where you are coming from. I am currently pregnant now, 37 weeks it took me a while to get my head in the right space again. Thank you for joining us at #BloggerClubUK hope to see you again next week x

  7. My deepest sympathies. Loss is loss. And it affects everyone differently. Naturally, all of your feelings — grief, fear, and everything in between — are valid. Taking the time you need to heal and decide what’s best for you and your family is wise. Thank you for sharing and reaching out.

  8. Oh bless you – a beautifully written about something so tragic. I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through this. I’m afraid I’ve never had this happen, so I won’t try to second guess how you are feeling, and although I know the hurt could possibly go on for a long time indeed, perhaps time will just make things a little easier for you. I do hope you heal over this time, both physically and then eventually mentally too. Sending big love and hugs to you and your lovely family. Thank you so much for sharing this with us at #SundayStars – it was very brave. Steph xxxx

  9. I am so sorry that you had to go through this. Miscarriages are heartbreaking. And they affect you in so many ways – emotionally, hormonally, physically and mentally. For a while, the hole that the baby left is all you can think about. And I found that sometimes it physically hurt. But as the days go on it is easier to remember. But you will never forget. Hugs Lucy xxxx

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