This post maybe sensitive.
I previously wrote a post titled what is next? A few months ago, once I had finished it, I turned to my husband and answered my own question. I knew what was next, I wanted another baby and all those niggling doubts I had seemed insignificant. Little did we know I was already pregnant.
My pregnancy was so different to my other ones.
Although I felt nauseous at times and tired, the early weeks of my pregnancy seemed to run smoothly. I had my Dr’s appointment and my 12 week scan was booked. We were excited but then at 10 weeks it ended, it was gone. I went for an emergency scan but I didn’t need to.I knew something was wrong before the scan confirmed it, something just didn’t feel right.
I had suffered a miscarriage.
I was heartbroken, we both were. I struggled to understand how this could happen, naively and maybe even arrogantly I never thought a miscarriage would happen to me. After two healthy pregnancies the possibility of a miscarriage never even entered my head. I actually didn’t realise how common having a miscarriage is. It wasn’t until it happened to me that so many friends have admitted it has happened to them. I sometimes would like to know why it happened, was it something that I had done? Did I push myself too far? Could it have been prevented? I don’t know. I will never know.
I didn’t realise the effect a miscarriage would have not only my mind but my body.
I was so weak and ill for a while afterwards. Physically it was the worst I had ever felt and mentally, well, I am not sure if I am still fully better. I have days when I feel a sense of overwhelming sadness and then other days I feel fine. It was certainly the darkest period of my life. Sometimes I feel silly for mourning something I never had as such. I never gave birth or held the baby in my arms, I didn’t even feel my baby inside of me, moving and growing.
However, I also know that I am actually mourning the loss of a dream. When I saw that pregnancy result on the test my imagination ran away with me. I imagined the look on my girls faces when I told them they would be big sisters. Imagining the summer we would all have together playing in our garden welcoming our new addition. My baby in my arms taking in the perfect smell that only a newborn has. Now, no longer a possibility, just a dream.
I know many women go on to have healthy pregnancies after a miscarriage.I am not sure if this is for me. Maybe it is too soon, is still too raw, my heart still hurts (will it always feel like this?). At the moment I am not sure I could put myself or my family through it again – I’m just too scared.
So for now, I am going to let myself heal and be grateful for what I have, my two lovely girls.