So I am sitting in my favourite cafe drinking tea and writing this whilst my lovely boy has a settling in session in nursery. After 10 blissful months at home with my children my maternity leave is drawing to an end.
I am feeling highly emotional about it all.
Alfie is still is so small. He is starting nursery younger than my girls did. We had a little help from the grandparents with Meme and Harri. I just feel so sad about it all.
It has been 9 months of living in a bubble, picking up the girls from school, enjoying the holidays together, being there for Harri’s first day at school and, most importantly, getting to know my beautiful little boy.
I know this is life, it is time to go back. As I say to my girls who moan about going to school every day – just get on with it. I am lucky enough to be able to work part time so I will still have a couple of days with my boy and, as a lot of people say to me, it may do me good. Having some time without the little ones. Conversing with adults and obviously having a bit more money each month will be nice. Yet I just don’t feel ready – I’m not sure I ever will.
Maybe it is because I am not ready for the stress of getting everyone up ready and into school and me to work each morning. Or maybe I am not ready to leave another crying child in nursery again. Maybe I am dreading the horrible feeling of Mummy guilt (I am actually have this feeling right now). However, I think the main reason is because Alfie is my last child, this is my last maternity leave. I don’t feel ready for my life to resume as it was if this makes sense. Once I am back, I am kind of back forever.
Mourning the baby years
I guess I am just mourning these early baby years already. Although I am definitely happy with my three and I mean it when I say my family is complete. I am still going to miss it. I am going to miss being at home all of the time, I am going to miss these hazy blissful days just me and my clan, those afternoons on the couch snuggling my boy. The lazy morning walks chattering to him on the way home from the school run, having the whole day together to do as we please.
As our life begins to change again
I need to make a promise to myself that I wont get caught up in the routines and the upsets, concentrating and more importantly cherish the days I have with my little ones. Remember how lucky I am that I am only working 3 days and not 5. I will remember how amazing these early years are and how I have had the opportunity to experience it three times. Three very wonderful but very different babies.