Ah that dreaded word, redundancy. Unfortunately it is a word that I am very familiar with. I have heard the words ‘ at risk of redundancy’ more times than I wish to remember. Each time I am awash with all kinds of emotions – anger, fear, upset, hurt, disbelief. I would like to say it gets easier, maybe it does for some but not for me.
So 6 days into 2019 I heard the news that I was at risk (Happy New Year hey) 23 days later I heard that I was in fact being made redundant. Truthfully it is the industry that I work with, funding always has to come to an end sometimes sooner than anticipated which was the case this time.
However each time this happens, I find it completely soul destroying. You work hard you get results yet redundancy can make you feel like it is just not good enough. Regardless of the length of time you have worked there, regardless of the stressful mornings getting children ready, skipping breakfast dashing out the door to get to work on time and regardless of the fact that you leave a crying baby in nursery in order to go to work – sometimes it’s all just not good enough. That hurts. It is such a knock of confidence and also a cruel reminder that you are very much just number in a spreadsheet which can easily be deleted.
So what next? I think that is the scariest question. Finding something that suits us a family. Something that fits around my children and my husbands working hours. A job not too far from home in case I’m needed, a sympathetic Manager who will understand when I can’t come to the office because I’m looking after a poorly child. A job that I can excel in yet still finish on time to get home to my family. A team that are lovely to work with but who will understand that I can’t socialise every weekend. You see every time I go through this redundancy process it gets harder to find a job that suits. I’m older, have more children and more responsibilities leaving the potential job options slim if not impossible.
So for now, I guess I am going to allow myself a little time to lick my wounds, to build myself up again and for once allow myself to think about what I actually want to do instead of just panicking and applying for everything in sight. Oh and remember that I still have a pretty amazing job, one were I’m not just a number.