People tell me all the time that I am lucky, and they are right, I really am. I have a lovely supportive husband and three beautiful children. I have a lovely home and nice things. I guess you can say I have everything that I ever dreamt of.
So I can’t help but question why do I feel so sad?
The last three months I have struggled, really struggled. I have gone from this really positive person to having so many negative thoughts. I have gone from being the most sociable person in the room to avoiding seeing people even family. I don’t know why I feel like this, I can’t even pinpoint the exact moment I started feeling this way, but I do.
I take the tiniest thing and let it build up in my head to the point where I just cry over it. I don’t sleep well. I dwell on things that go wrong. Some days I feel so overwhelmed by it all. I feel sad that people I am close to don’t ask me what is wrong with me, how don’t they know that I feel this way? How can they not see that I have changed into this person I don’t recognise? Maybe because I keep it all in, I smile when I see them – in fact I make excuses not to see them. They just think I am busy and don’t question it. Why would they?
I feel guilty for feeling like this, I feel embarrassed. I don’t want to talk about it, maybe because when I do then I am admitting that something is wrong, but maybe now I need to take steps to address it. I need to make those steps to feel better, for the sake of my children, for the sake of my marriage, and more importantly for the sake of me.
I miss the old me – I just need to find her and bring her back.